Review of guide for gay and lesbian couples

My book review of Nolo publisher's "A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples" appears in the December 2010 issue of Wisconsin Lawyer. In summary, the guide gives some basic information for couples or attorneys, but sometimes the information is a bit outdated or better available elsewhere, like specialized online sources. Because the guide is written for a lay reader, it is probably not very useful for attorneys (who are the reading audience of my review) unless it is used as a very basic starting point for understanding issues for lesbian and gay couples.

Mediating disputes involving elders

The New York Times' blog, "The New Old Age," is very helpful with topics related to care, health, and family issues of aging. Recently, the topic was settling disputes involving elders through mediation. While mediation has been used for many years for family law or labor law disputes, it is blossoming into a new specialty for issues of aging. Issues may present in any of a number of relationships: among children of an elderly parent, between an elder and a caregiver, between an elder and a child.

I previously posted about elder law mediation as presented in a public radio story.

The post from "The New Old Age" includes these cautions and suggestions for families who may be considering mediation for such a dispute:

A mediator generally should be trained in such subjects as the physical and mental effects of aging and how to communicate effectively with the elderly. But in a field with no national credentialing and no standard approach, potential clients should be wary before asking an outsider to sit in on a dispute.

Start with National Eldercare Mediation Network, . . . which posts profiles of elder mediators in all 50 states. Another Web site, Mediate.com, also allows prospective clients to search elder mediators by state.

Aiming for 100+

The New York Times recently ran a story about living to age 100 and beyond. The centenarians who were interviewed were examples of good living, good luck, and good outlooks. Referring to several studies, the article reviewed the usual reasons for longevity--genetics (although not as big a factor as many might guess), caring for one's health, and a positive attitude.

As one 99-year-old interviewee put it, “I am blessed and I’ve worked on it. You’ve got to work, be cheerful and look for something fun to do. It’s a whole attitude. "

Last year, I posted about a collection of stories from diverse and interesting centenarians.

Who will draft your will?

There are many options for prepare one's will and other estate planning documents. And, of course, many do-it-yourself options are less expensive than paying an attorney a few hundred (or even a few thousand) dollars to do that for you. In that vein, consider this essay about will-preparation software from the New York Times. When the writer tried four different software programs to draft her own will, she got mixed results--some perfectly acceptable, but some not so much.

In the end, the documents themselves are only part of the picture, whether you prepare your own estate planning documents or have an attorney draft them for you. The BIGGEST benefit of having an attorney assist with estate planning is the ADVICE. Legal counsel is especially important in complex situations like remarriage, potentially disagreeable family members, or a likely beneficiary with disabilities. An attorney provides the options, answers, and information for planning how one's estate will be handled and how surviving family members will be provided for. Then, the document drafting follows the conversation, with documents to carry out the plan.

Summer coming to an end with a family travel story

Why was the writer of this L. A. Times piece so surprised that traveling with older relatives can be fun?

Here's an introductory quotation about the family history potential for such travels:

"Traveling with parents to places that were important in their earlier lives can be important and meaningful for their life review and give the younger generations traveling with them insights into the ways that their parents' or grandparents' lives have shaped their own," says USC psychologist Bob Knight.

I enjoyed the story recounted in the piece where the elderly mother turned off her hearing aid during the road trip so that her travel companions (aka her adult daughters) could "talk about her."

Besides the family history dimension, the intergenerational connections can be priceless. So often we segregate ourselves, not just in society, but even in our families, by age.

Last January, I enjoyed a relaxing vacation to Maui with my partner and my mother. We enjoyed the sun, food, beaches, and activities with great memories together. The photo above is shot from our balcony where we enjoyed the warm weather and watched the whales in the channel.

(After a summer break from writing, I've resumed posts now as of September 2.)

When older parents get remarried

This article from the Wall Street Journal/Smart Money gives some great information and helpful suggestions regarding property and estates when older parents remarry. Careful consideration should be given to how to provide for a surviving spouse, but also to leave whatever desired (by the parent) inheritance to the children of the prior marriage. A couple possibilities include a prenuptial agreement or a trust.

Without careful planning, the adult children and the surviving spouse may be at odds, even to the extent of fighting over an estate in court. For example,

Most lawyers and financial planners agree that the families that get cross-ways are those that don't communicate. [An Atlanta attorney] says there is a saying in the field: "People get over the loss of a loved one sooner than the loss of an inheritance."

Korean scholars revisit international adoptions from Korea

In recent news from my alma mater, St. Olaf College, English professor, Jennifer Kwon Dobbs, is mentioned for her co-authored essay, "Rethinking Consent to Adoption," about internation adoptions of Korean children.

Concerning the numbers for 2009,

With the international trend clearly turning toward domestic solutions and family preservation, we may wonder why over 1,080 babies went to the U.S. from South Korea this year for adoption.

The authors continue by pointing out the legal (and fading cultural) bias against unwed mothers. That bias has been the engine behind moving the children of those unwed mothers into adoption, rather than promoting family preservation or even domestic adoption within Korea. The writers note that the laws are changing to accomodate a longer period for a mother to consider placing her child for adoption, but they encourage that much more be done to improve the attitude and process of adoption in Korea.

Fascinating perspective.

Work and meaning in hard economic times

In a New York Times Sunday Magazine essay entitled "Part-Time Fulfillment," writer Beverly Willett shares her experience working at a "fulfillment center" for phone and internet sales. The simple and personal messages that came with some orders reminded Willett of her own family connections, in addition to the manual work beside other working men and women.

Here's part of the essay:

The items [the center shipped in orders] ranged from T-shirts and teddy bears to coffee mugs and casserole dishes.

. . . The pay was $12 an hour, before taxes, with no health coverage, sick leave or other benefits. During the first few weeks, I sat in a chair all day and typed in orders, a far cry from my early days as a lawyer representing clients with household names.

Right after I got my first paycheck, my car broke down, and heating-oil money was diverted to the repair shop. During Week 2, the 20 to 25 hours I thought I’d be working dwindled to 13. But I called a halt to my pity party when I counted up all my friends who lost their jobs in 2009. And that’s when I began to feel satisfaction from the work I did get. Although the job involved inputting product codes and shipping data for several hours at a time, it somehow got me in touch with real people with real lives in real towns. And it gave me glimpses into worlds other than my own that, for at least the course of a workday, melted preoccupation with my own troubles.

Age is just a number, right?

Recently, the Washington Post ran this column about "old age," from the lens of the fraud conviction of 85-year-old Anthony Marshall (the son of prominent New York City philantropist, Brooke Astor, who died at age 105 in 2007).

Not so surprising from the author's numbers, people in their 70's and 80's are more active, healthy lives than their counterparts even a couple decades ago.

Also, the concept of "old" is age-relative:

[T]here's little agreement on what makes us old or even when we become old. That depends largely on the age of the person answering the question, according to a recent Pew Research Center survey. In this national sample of nearly 3,000 adults, people ages 18 to 29 say a person is old at 60; but people who are 60 don't believe that. Those who are 65 years old say they won't cross the line into old age until they turn 74.

The same disagreement exists over the markers of old age. A hefty 44 percent of young people think those who retire are old. But only 10 percent of men and women 65 and older -- the ones in the R Zone -- equate official retirement with being old.

Apparently, one's state of mind and physical health is not solely, or even predominantly, dependant on one's chronological age.

Mayo Clinic electronic newsletter

The Mayo Clinic website has tons of great information, even beyond what we usually consider medical information, such as healthy eating and various aspects of healthy living. On the Clinic's homepage, you can sign up to receive its electronic newsletter.

Recently, the newsletter ran this helpful piece on talking to children about adoption. Topics in the article include when to talk to your child about adoption, how to discuss it, how to address racial or cultural differences, and answering children's questions.

Insights into international adoptions

A story in the New York Times looks at international adoptions, especially adoptions of Korean children in the 1950s to 1980s, and the difficulty with cultural and racial adjustments the children went through. Now adults, numerous adoptees were interviewed for a report, which enlightens many issues of transracial adoptions.

The report was issued by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a nonprofit adoption research and policy group based in New York. Since 1953, parents in the United States have adopted more than a half-million children from other countries, the vast majority of them from orphanages in Asia, South America and, most recently, Africa. Yet the impact of such adoptions on identity has been only sporadically studied. The authors of the Donaldson Adoption Institute study said they hoped their work would guide policymakers, parents and adoption agencies in helping the current generation of children adopted from Asian countries to form healthy identities.

“So much of the research on transracial adoption has been done from the perspective of adoptive parents or adolescent children,” said Adam Pertman, executive director of the institute. “We wanted to be able to draw on the knowledge and life experience of a group of individuals who can provide insight into what we need to do better.”

The study recommends several changes in adoption practices that the institute said are important, including better support for adoptive parents and recognition that adoption grows in significance for their children from young adulthood on, and throughout adulthood. South Korea was the first country from which Americans adopted in significant numbers. From 1953 to 2007, an estimated 160,000 South Korean children were adopted by people from other countries, most of them in the United States. They make up the largest group of transracial adoptees in the United States and, by some estimates, are 10 percent of the nation’s Korean population.

The report says that significant changes have occurred since the first generation of adopted children were brought to the United States, a time when parents were told to assimilate the children into their families without regard for their native culture.

Yet even adoptees who are exposed to their culture and have parents who discuss issues of race and discrimination say they found it difficult growing up.

Any lessons for attorneys from the Brooke Astor case?

By now, the verdict against the Brooke Astor's son and the attorney who drafted her will is old news. However, attorney's around the country are evaluating the way they serve clients in preparing estate plans, and not just for clients with mega-sized estates that make the news.

The New York Times relates the scrutiny some attorneys are feeling, even if it is self-imposed:

[L]awyers and those in the academic world say [the conviction of Astor's son and attorney] is likely to force estate planners in New York and elsewhere to take extra precautions when balancing their clients’ wishes and competence.

The law generally requires a very low standard of mental capacity to execute a will, and there are few hard and fast rules that lawyers must follow when ascertaining a client’s competence.

Some experts said the Astor case could motivate lawyers to use additional safeguards to ensure that their clients are competent when there is any doubt.

Although attorneys should, as a matter of course, assure that their client have the mental capacity to properly execute their estate planning documents, cautious attorneys may implement even greater safeguards like mental evaluations or video recording of signings.

Help for those who care for elders

Many adult children who care for their aged parents face numerous challenges, including seeking out the best services for elder care and how to pay for them. A recent New York Times "Well" blog entry describes the process and benefits of engaging a geriatic care manager. Such a manager assists overwhelmed family members in assessing the elder's needs, connecting with high-quality services, and even negotiating the arrangements if family members disagree.

Because elder care is so personal and requires great trustworthiness, consider these suggestions from the entry:

Be sure to ask about backgrounds and credentials. If your parent has complicated medical issues, a care manager with a nursing background might be best. If the parent has cognitive problems or is just plain ornery, someone with a master’s in social work might be better.

Find out whether the person is a member of the national care managers’ association, which has strict requirements: members must have a master’s degree in a field related to care management, like nursing or social work, two years of supervised experience and certification by one of three accrediting agencies. Ask for a brochure and a fee schedule. Learn whether the care manager works alone or in a group practice and if they will be available to you 24 hours a day or just on weekdays.

Finally, consultations and care management can be fairly expensive, and Medicare does not pay for such services, so families need to take the financial piece into account too.

Modern families are complex families

Many people think that modern families are more complex than the "traditional" families of the past. However, I think the Leave It to Beaver household is largely a fiction of the 1950's. Even before divorce was widely acceptable and available, many families were disrupted by death, abandonment, or financial crisis. In my own family, a great-great-grandmother of mine was widowed young with a small child, then widowed again in her later years, and remarried each time.

In this piece from the New York Times blog "The New Old Age," the complicated scenarios surrounding caring for divorced elderly parents and their ex- and current spouses shows the latest variation on family life. Here's just a brief excerpt:

With remarriages, moreover, the cast of characters increases. Children may find themselves caring for three or four older people instead of one or two, dealing with several sets of doctors, social workers, accountants and attorneys. And with stepsiblings, sometimes a squadron of them.

And you can just guess the potential for conflict, either among adult children/stepchildren or between children and parent's "new" spouse. Topics such as nursing care, assets, or inheritance are potential sources for conflict over which families (and their attorneys) can fight.

Remembering Mary Travers

Mary, of Peter, Paul & Mary, died today at age 72. The music for which she was best known easily spans two or three generations, inspiring sing-along recognition. The New York Times obituary remembered her, including these words:

Ms. Travers’s voice blended seamlessly with those of her colleagues, Peter Yarrow and Paul Stookey, to create a rich three-part harmony that propelled the group to the top of the pop charts.
. . .

Their sound may have been commercial and safe, but early on their politics were somewhat risky for a group courting a mass audience. Like Mr. Yarrow and Mr. Stookey, Ms. Travers was outspoken in her support for the civil-rights and antiwar movements . . . .

Peter, Paul and Mary went on to perform at the 1963 March on Washington and joined the voting-rights marches from Selma to Montgomery, Ala., in 1965.

Ted Kennedy: "a lasting impact on the lives of other human beings"

Today was the funeral for Senator Ted Kennedy. Various news stories in the few days since his death relayed the details of his family history, his personal and political story, and the many accolades from people of all persuasions. As just one example of the news coverage, here is the compiled coverage from the Washington Post.

As part of the funeral service, President Obama delivered a eulogy of Kennedy; here is an excerpt from the Post's account:

"We can use each day to show those who are closest to us how much we care about them, and treat others with the kindness and respect that we wish for ourselves," Obama said. "We can learn from our mistakes and grow from our failures. And we can strive at all costs to make a better world, so that someday, if we are blessed with the chance to look back on our time here, we can know that we spent it well; that we made a difference; that our fleeting presence had a lasting impact on the lives of other human beings. . . . This is how Ted Kennedy lived. This is his legacy."

New cemetery marker--thanks but no thanks

A former student and admirer of Frank Lloyd Wright placed a marker on the grave of Wright's famous love interest, without approval of the cemetery board. Ultimately the board decided to return the unauthorized marker. The news story from the Wisconsin State Journal begins this way:

A gravestone for Frank Lloyd Wright’s professional inspiration and personal sorrow, murder victim Mamah Borthwick, placed without permission in a family cemetery at Taliesin outside of Spring Green one late night in May, will be returned to a well-intentioned admirer.

Wisconsin domestic partnership law...

became effective August 3, 2009. Here is how the day unfolded in Madison, according to the Wisconsin State Journal. According to Fair Wisconsin's summary (pdf), registered domestic partners have 43 of the over 200 rights of married couples. Still, that has not stopped a conservative group from suing the governor, alleging that domestic partnership provisions violate the 2006 state constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman and prohibiting anything "substantially similar" to marriage. Here's the latest from the Wisconsin State Journal on that suit.

Adoption can be an uphill struggle

In a heartwrenching story, with a likely happy ending, a West Virginia couple learned that giving foster care to a child does not always neatly lead to the availability of the child for adoption. In the New York Times account of the story of Kathryn Kutil and Cheryl Hess, it was even more complicated by the state's position on their same-sex relationship. Early in the article, the reporter asks, "Was it somehow O.K. for a lesbian couple to care for older kids no one else would take in but not for a newborn whom another set of more "deserving" parents might want?"

Several states outright prohibit adoption by homosexuals, and in some states only one party of a gay couple can adopt but not both parties. In the case of Kutil and Hess, when their infant foster child became available for adoption, the court opined "that the best interest of the child is to be raised by a traditional family, mother and father."

Ultimately, the West Virginia supreme court had to decide that the judge had improperly weighed the various factors to determine the best interest of the child. However, the adoption will still require approval of the state health and human services department and confirmation by a county judge, all of which will take several more months.

As Kathryn Kutil said before the jury in the county courthouse, "We've done nothing wrong but love this baby and love her with everything we had."

Alzheimer's disease and personal identity

My sister and I had inklings of a slow atrophying of my mother’s mind, perhaps of her very self, before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in April, 2008. And yet, strangely, I’d also noticed around that time she’d seemed to be more “herself.” So I felt oddly reassured at the news. The diagnosis seemed to explain something about who my mother was, perhaps who she’d been most of my life. Due to its seeming genetic component, we believed the type to be early-onset. It could have started when I was still a kid.

This is how Elizabeth Kadetsky begins an op-ed piece in the New York Times, in which she reflects on her former-fashion-model mother, now living-in-the-moment mother with Alzheimer's. The author compares the present-moment essence of Alzheimer's with the practice of yoga, in that the past and future are absent from thought.

An interesting and touching reflection on a mother-daughter relationship and the influence the disease has on it.

It seems to me that the disease "enhances" the most recognized personality traits by robbing the individual of their multi-faceted and nuanced identity, so that, in the end, their most prominent traits are all that remain. Hopefully, for most of us, our prominent traits are our pleasant ones.